The wedding industry is a beautiful one. It’s chock-full of sparkles and smiles, and why shouldn’t it be? It’s focused around the happiest day of your life.
The issue is that things become a little less sparkly after the honeymoon, especially when marriage planning takes a back seat to wedding planning. Though you’ve no doubt heard that by now, having tangible advice from those who have gone before you can make the road a little easier to travel.
We spoke to couples with anniversaries ranging from one year to 70 years about that very road. They gave us great insight into not only making it for the long haul, but into what you should be doing right now to prepare for what comes after the I-Do’s.
ADVICE FOR PRE-MARRIAGE CONVERSATIONS ABOUT…
Managing Finances
Cathy & Glenn Sligh (married 40 years): Don’t over-analyze everything, especially your finances. Life has taught us that finances are a very fluid and ever-changing thing.
Jamie & Neil Groat (married 1 year): Talk about big expenditures that may come up within the first few years of marriage like buying a new house, graduate school, student loans or having kids… Before we got married, we also spent some time listing all our “fixed” monthly expenses (car payments, phone bills, magazine subscriptions, Netflix) so neither one of us would be surprised when credit cards statements and bills came due.
Etta & John Brand (married 70 years): It’s so different now than it was then, but you still have to live within your means. Don’t overdo it trying to keep up with the Joneses.
Denise & Chris Brockinton (married 20 years): We have a joint checking account, and it works well for us. We also have a savings account at another bank that we do not have an ATM card for. We have learned that if we are going to save money, we needed to make it hard to get to the money!
Melissa & Stephen Carter (married 5 years): We were both surprised by what the other person thought were reasonable and “normal” expenses. It showed there were some gaps in our expectations of the type of lifestyle we each expected… Talk about and set your financial priorities early on. Believe me, there’s nothing like a heated discussion over a $30 bottle of department store facial moisturizer to really dampen the mood on date night!
Having Kids & Parenting
Tre & Katharine Baker (married 10 years): Are you marrying your spouse or are you marrying your future children? Be completely honest and upfront about what you want in a family, but remember, even you may change your mind about what you think you’re wishing for.
Jessica & Todd Brogdon (married 20 years): I would suggest you talk about discipline, family meals, household duties and holidays for starters. It’s also good to talk through expectations for your children’s activity level. We have two children and try to limit their activities, but we still find ourselves with a busy pace of life!
Melissa & Stephen Carter (married 5 years): One of the best ways to start a discussion on parenting style is to talk about how your parents parented you. Not only will this be helpful in deciding how you would approach parenthood moving forward, but it can be so helpful in coming to terms with and understanding your spouse’s past and how it could impact your relationship now.
Work & Careers
Michael & Yoni Johnson (married 15 years): Support your spouse’s career ambitions. You also have to know their desires prior to getting engaged. The husband or wife may have a very demanding schedule where they may not have a lot of time together. That should be well understood before getting into a marriage.
Jamie & Neil Groat (married 1 year): I don’t imagine too many couples are completely settled in their careers by the time they get married, so it’s important to talk honestly with one another about where you each see yourself being in five, 10 or 15 years professionally and how you can best support one another in reaching those goals.
Brandy & Chris Hubener (married 15 years): Having a career is great, but we both agree that being HAPPY with your career is an important piece to your marriage.
Dorcas & Stanley Prince (married 35 years): Make intelligent career choices. Try to see your choices through your spouse’s eyes. Remember, no matter what we plan, our lives are in God’s hands. Sometimes what we think are the worst things to happen to us are actually the best.
PREMARITAL COUNSELING
Should you? Shouldn’t you? If you’re on the fence about signing up for premarital counseling, ask around. Here’s what our couples had to say about their experiences.
Annette & Cameron Terrell (married 1 year): After our first session, we were handed two kinds of questionnaires to complete. We had our own questionnaires (where will you live, spend holidays, what are your intimacy expectations), but then we were handed questionnaires for our parents to individually complete (do you approve of this marriage, what strengths and weaknesses do you see in your future son or daughter-in-law). This was a little nerve-racking; I remember preparing ourselves for what we were about to read. To our surprise, it was actually a really fun and encouraging experience to read what they thought of the two of us and to get a glimpse into the makings of their 30-plus years of marriage.
Jamie & Neil Groat (married 1 year): [Premarital counseling] was instrumental in initiating meaningful conversations we may not have covered otherwise. It really helped to be guided by a professional who knew the right questions to ask. Even though we had been dating for nearly seven years by the time we got married, we actually learned a lot about one another through our premarital counseling.
Jessica & Todd Brogdon (married 20 years): We recommend it. Before marriage, we tend to look for the positive in our mate. After marriage, sadly, we often shift to looking for the negative. Marriage counseling helps you identify the potential conflict points and communicate through them before they catch you by surprise.
Cathy & Glenn Sligh (married 40 years): Pre-marital counseling was not much of an option during that time. Our parents’ commitment to one another in both good and difficult times has been our example of what marriage really was.
IF YOU CAN GIVE ONLY ONE PIECE OF ADVICE…
Cathy & Glenn Sligh (married 40 years): Life will have its ups and downs but the true test is how you respond to the bad times and what you learn from them.
Brandy & Chris Hubener (married 15 years): Arguing isn’t always a bad thing; sometimes it’s how you are able to communicate. But pick your battles wisely; most of the time the argument isn’t even worth it.
Michael & Yoni Johnson (married 15 years): Learn to compromise. A practical example would be the remote control. I know I can’t watch football all day Saturday and all day Sunday, so I pick a game or two to watch and try to spend the rest of my time with the family.
Dorcas & Stanley Prince (married 35 years): My husband said “I am only doing this one time, how about you?” We agreed: one time. We work it out no matter what.
Etta & John Brand (married 70 years): Life is not a bed of roses. There is a lot of give and take, but trust and believe in each other. Family is the most important thing.
Annette & Cameron Terrell (married 1 year): Learn what your future spouse enjoys doing—whether it’s watching football or reading or cooking—but don’t just do it with them. Enjoy it with them. Figure out why they like it, and figure out in what ways you could like it too.
Melissa & Stephen Carter (married 5 years): The old saying “if you don’t laugh, you’ll cry” absolutely applies to marriage, parenthood and all that comes with it! Consider yourselves a team taking on the world together — with grace and humor.
Jessica & Todd Brogdon (married 20 years): Make your marriage your top priority! Treat your marriage like it’s something worth fighting for and you will look back 20 years later and realize you have built something beautiful together.
THE SEVEN-YEAR ITCH
What exactly is this “itch” you keep hearing about? According to data from the National Center for Health Statistics, marriages that end in divorce have an average duration of about seven years. It varies slightly each year, but it always hovers around seven. What is it about this magical number? Is it a death sentence?
Aaron & Kim Jacobi (married 7 years): The seven year itch is an excuse for people who had a one year itch. The year is of little importance. Your partner will never be able to satisfy your every emotion, and it’s unfair to ask them to. Continue to learn about yourself, break the mold of becoming creatures of habit and scratch each other’s itches.
Lindsay & Michael Irvin (married 7 years): By year seven, we’d bought a house and had our first child. Instead of an itch, we’re closer than ever after taking on the trials of new careers, mortgage payments and a baby. As unromantic as it sounds, you have to learn how to be married to one another, learn how to communicate and, yes, even how to fight. See yourselves as a team, go to battle together and you’ll never have anything to scratch.
EXPERT ADVICE FROM DR. BONNIE PHILLIPS
What other topics should couples cover before the wedding?
“[Couples] should be talking about a variety of issues and learning how to share their lives, feelings and hearts with one another. Within these conversations, it is very important to discuss a variety of topics [including] family of origin…vision for their relationship and family, desire for children, parenting values, money, expectations, personal goals and dreams, spirituality, gender roles and expectations and personal life story details.”
The Hollywood Myth
“Another key element is for each individual to come into the relationship with a core understanding of themselves. The idea is perpetuated in our culture that another person completes us, or that two halves can come together in a relationship to become a whole. In reality, a healthy relationship requires two healthy individuals coming together to create an intimate, healthy and thriving relationship. It requires each individual having an understanding of their core personal issues, their insecurities, relationship baggage, family history, etc., and a willingness to work on their issues prior to the relationship in order to help them be ready for an intimate relationship. When there are unresolved personal issues, these only become amplified in the context of a marital relationship.”
Dr. Bonnie Phillips is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice, as well as an Assistant Professor of Marriage & Family Therapy at John Brown University.
